STUDY SHOWS THAT HONKING CLEARS TRAFFIC, CURES CANCER

(www.xelawho.com)

GUATEMALA CITY, Feb. 6. In what appears by all accounts to be a landmark study, scientists announced this Tuesday that the aggressive, incessant honking so engrained in Guatemalan commuter culture not only instantly breaks up traffic jams, but also seems to cure cancer.

For years, it has been common knowledge that when a seemingly unavoidable queue of cars forms in the street, a few firm, confident horn blasts will remedy the gridlock. To ensure wide dissemination of this knowledge, in 2001 the Guatemalan government erected thousands of billboards featuring an image of a furious driver assaulting his steering wheel, under the large block letters: “MORE. LOUDER. BETTER.”

But in light of these latest findings, says Dr. Javier López, who oversaw the “Horn as Panacea?” study group, authorities may need to redouble their efforts to educate the population.

Sitting in Quetzaltenango's Parque Benito Juarez, watching traffic jam after traffic jam dissolve under a sweet symphony of horn blasts, Dr. López smiled and explained the results of the study. “The positive effects of honking on traffic and urban quality of life in general are already well-known,” the doctor commented. “But we hope our findings additionally demonstrate that a simple horn blast is nothing less than an empirically demonstrable exorcism for the 21st century. Indeed, it drives everything around it away: traffic, pedestrians, solitude, joy… and now, even cancer.”

Government officials have been quick to applaud the study and highlight their immediate dedication to applying its findings. Within minutes of the announcement, Efrain Rios Montt spoke to the longstanding commitment of his FRG party to redirect major, high-volume roadways away from affluent communities and through impoverished neighborhoods with overcrowded hospitals.

In a televised address, Rios Montt proclaimed, “let us capitalize on these results and finally concentrate 100% of traffic, and the life-saving cacophony that accompanies it, where it rightly belongs: with the long-suffering poor. Viva Guatemala!”

Rios Montt and other high-level officials have also been eagerly anticipating the projected findings from a separate study correlating proximity to landfills with longer lifespan.